Restitution

Restitution.

In criminal cases, restitution is the requirement for the offender to pay the victim back for damages caused by their actions (thanks, Google). It is supposed to make a victim “whole,” hold offenders accountable, demonstrate repentance, and hopefully deter them from doing the same things in the future.

Restitution.

In foster care, restitution is when the Department agrees to pay a foster parent back for damages caused by a child in their care… up to $1,500 per occurrence.

I am working on a restitution form, and it feels so far from making anything whole. Piece by piece, I have calculated the value of my shattered wedding china and my mother’s antique cabinet.

It’s strange how something so sacred—gifts from dear friends, family heirlooms, memories wrapped in glass—can be reduced to a number on a form. A number cannot even begin to capture what was lost in a fit of rage.

It’s not about the stuff, you know? It’s about the memories. The people. The loss of peace and safety in my own home.

Here’s the part no one tells you: in moments like these, I don’t feel like saying, “I’d do this all again.” Honestly, I wouldn’t choose this. Not the destruction, not the grief, not the ache in my chest as I hear the splintering of wood and the shattering of glass replay over and over again in my mind.

And I think that’s important to say out loud—because I know I’m not the only foster/adoptive parent who has felt this way in the middle of heartache and grief and chaos. Feeling this way does not make me less of a foster parent—it makes me human.

What I can say is this: even if I wouldn’t choose the pain, I will keep choosing to show up today. And tomorrow. And the next day. One step, one breath, one shattered piece at a time. The future may not look like I hoped and prayed it would, but I will still be here in the middle of it.

If you’ve ever felt the same—you are not broken, and you are not alone.